Bigger Smaller Bigger

by with John Berardi & Martin Rooney

Giving Birth

 

Can I quickly talk to you about my ass?

I’m sorry — I don’t really want to. But I think you should know how god-awful my bowel movements have been the past two days, lest you decide you want to try this experiment for yourself.

I’ll spare you most of the details, and just say this: At any given time I feel like I’m about to give birth.

The pain in my stomach is intense and I’ve spent so much time on the toilet I’ve developed a rather unpleasant case of hemorrhoids.

JB says it’s my body’s way of trying to deal with the sudden increase of food and that it’ll clear up soon. Plus, I’m likely straining when I’m pooping which is a big no-no. Apparently it should just slide out easily. (Sorry, this is getting gross.) He recommends I drink more water, pick up some Preparation H, and sit in a warm bath.

While my new-found butt pain doesn’t bother me much throughout the day, it is incredibly uncomfortable when I’m paying homage to the porcelain throne. Which makes me not want to poop. Which makes my body get pissed off because I’m avoiding the bathroom.

Anyway.

Even though today is an off day from training, it’s not an off day from eating. I won’t get that until Sunday, my first official “fast” day.

My meals are taking forever to eat — up to four hours per day of just chewing and swallowing — so while I have JB on the phone, I ask if he has any advice on how to make things go faster.

Whatever you’d do to eat healthy — eating slowly, focusing on your food and the taste, being aware of how much you’re eating — just do the opposite.

So instead of enjoying the meal, you want me cram it into my mouth without thinking?

Exactly.

I tell him I can certainly do that. I’ll just cue up some TV and eat my meals while watching the Colbert Report instead.

And it helps.

My lunch and dinner go down in record time today — 1 hour and 15 minutes for lunch, 45 minutes for dinner — and I spend most of the time mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth.

I’ll have to remember this tactic for the rest of the experiment.

Toward the end of the day I receive a flurry of text messages from Martin.

How are you feeling? Enjoying the rest day?

I tell him I’m enjoying it quite a bit, thank you.

Keep eating big! Stay rested! That is key! You can do it!


Have I mentioned I love getting texts from Martin?
 Dude’s so energetic he’s like one big exclamation mark.

Other highlights from Day 3

  • Groaning in pain every time I laugh due to the intense soreness in my abs from all the crunches yesterday.
  • Sending food photos to my friend Mike who responds with: I feel bad for your intestines.
  • Talking to Richelle about hemorrhoids. A good date-night conversation. You should try it sometime.

Knowledge Bomb!

3 Quick Ways To Improve Your Bathroom Experience

1. Chew your food better.

You’re probably not chewing your food as thoroughly as you need to. Bigger food particles are harder for your stomach acids to break down and are harder to pass. (You know what I mean.) Plus, when you chew, your saliva interacts with the food and helps break it down even more.

You don’t need to go wacko and count the amount of times you chew your steak or anything. But I do recommend chewing a few more times than seems necessary.

2. Eat more fermented foods.

Your body has a mixture of good and bad bacteria in it. Fermented foods like sauerkraut, kimchi, and yogurt are rich in enzymes and help increase the amount of good bacteria in your intestines. All good stuff. (You’ll also notice my diet contains a cup of sauerkraut per day. That’s not in there by chance.)

3. Don’t read a magazine or use your phone while on the toilet.

Sit down, poop, and stand back up. (Clean yourself off before you do, of course.) Sitting on the toilet playing Angry Birds, checking your email, or reading the new Men’s Health just distracts you from what you’re really there to do. Too much time on the toilet leads to straining. Too much straining leads to hemorrhoids. And trust me, you don’t want ‘em.

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